Post-wedding thoughts — really gloomy

Firstly, the wedding in the heading refers to my cousin tying the knot.

It was not the totally conventional wedding with all the ritualistic strings. It was different. It was a love marriage so parents were not in agreement. Budget was kept as low as possible and the Hindu ceremony done away with. This is of course the latest fad. I dont say it's wrong (Who am I?), but sometimes the fatkabaji surrounding weddings seems a little too much. Just for the sake of argument, what if the money spent on extravagance was put aside or invested in the name of the newly-weds?

Coming back to the point, my cousin went for the registration form of the wedding. Seemingly a simple thing, the formalities of this legality set my mind working. Have you ever wondered how little things go a long way to strengthen the claims of the patriarchal society? For starters, after the signing of papers, my cousin had to sign as her husband’s wife…i.e. without her “maiden” surname and with her married one! Something in me couldn’t accept this as “chalo big deal”! I accept the existence of the counter argument of what’s in a name, but then this very argument also supports my case…actually, What is in a name? That I have married someone legally, in the presence of my family is more than enough. Why should I have to switch names to prove the point? Will someone please tell me what exactly is the point I am proving? Does Anwesha (my cousin) become more Manas’ wife if she writes or calls herself Mrs. Anwesha Sinha?

This system of switching the woman’s surname was obviously prompted by practical reasons…such as to ensure uniformity and also perhaps for legacy issues. But what really prompted the decision to change the woman’s surname and not the man’s is the “man is superior” belief.

It is these little things that go a long way in subduing the woman. At the very moment she is beginning her new life, which is also new for the man, she is made to do things that reveal her to be inferior to or dependant on her husband. She now needs the man for her identity and she also leaves her folks to make his family her own. The latter concept brings to the front the hypocrisy inherent in the customs of our society. All you girls out there, how many times have you heard some girl being lauded to the skies because she is the kind who holds the family together? Think once, how many men do it, i.e. keep the “family” together? Let’s get the connotation of family straight. A woman is supposed to keep the “family” together — from this perspective, the man does something totally contrary. Family, in the wider connotation, implies both the family you are born into and the family you marry into (for women and men). So, go on, take a try and keep the “family”, in the wider sense, together.

What makes more sense is what is prevalent in the West. You get married and move out. Start a new life in every sense of the term. The name problem of course stays unresolved. What would perhaps be the ideal solution would be the concept of custom names. Like a friend of mine is called Sabina Yasmin. Her father is not a Yasmin, nor her mother and not even her husband. But she remains Sabina Yasmin irrespective of her status.

Sadly, despite my objections, I too might be subjected to this outrage. I don’t know what the law says and I don’t know whether signing as Mrs. Himani abcd is an integral part of the procedure. Moreover, the legalities are important for various social responsibilities and duties so I cant even avoid it. I might also have to move in with my in-laws. But I also know that changes can’t be made overnight so all the best to me and to all the like-minded people reading this. Try making a small little change. If you have marriageable children, encourage them to move out after marriage. If you are on the verge of marriage, boys or girls, tell your parents what you think is right. If you think that the society, as it is, is fine, then please cure yourself.

After all the man-woman relationship, especially the one in marriage, is an equalitarian one so why not begin it on an equal footing?